this week and last week

Has spring sprung? It’s still pretty bloody cold down here…

What can I say, things have been a bit crazy! Here we go…

Favourite experience/s of the past two weeks

It would have to be our 12th wedding anniversary, which was on the first day of September, and which, predictably, was freezing and a washout (we didn’t think when we got married in the UK’s late summer that one day we might move back to Australia!) so our plans for a romantic day out in the open air were shelved for another time. We stayed close to home instead - we had lunch out at a nice place that was only a short walk away and then went to the movies! The rain had finally stopped as we walked home at dusk, hand in hand, bundled up in our winter coats. Tom also surprised me with a bouquet of flowers the size of a small child, which were stunning and has lasted the best part of two weeks!

Last week was also the anniversary of our first date so Tom and I have also now been together for 15 years, over a third of our lives, which I find staggering in many respects. We’re still finding new things to get excited about, new adventures to plan, and we never tire of hearing each other’s stories or run out of things to say. It shouldn’t surprise me, but it does. Perhaps it’s because of everything I went through before I met him, but I never take having a happy, solid marriage for granted. Even through the harder, darker times we’ve faced as a couple - things I know previous relationships would have well and truly crumbled under the pressure of - we are still standing and, despite everything this strange and relentless year has thrown at us, we are actually happier than ever. He truly is the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve felt very lucky these past few weeks.

Reading

The last week of August/first week of September was all about getting my first draft to my supervisors so if I read anything that week, it was just my own words, over and over, wondering how I might ever entice some magic out of the mess that a first draft invariably is. But my primary supervisor kindly texted me a few days later saying she’d read it already (!) and enjoyed it, so I have been breathing a little easier since then!

But I finished Dessa’s book which I mentioned in the last this week, and I also started at Tom’s recommendation (insistence!) Run Towards the Danger: Confrontations with a Body of Memory by Sarah Polley. Tom bought this book because of the Baron Munchausen film connection (which he loved as a child) but ended up being very moved it and thinks I will enjoy it, so I’ll report back!

I also read my friend Fiona’s debut cookbook From Scratch which was absolutely wonderful, just as I had anticipated. If you want to learn how to make some pantry staples from scratch that not only work out cheaper but better for you to boot, this is the book you need. Whether it’s yoghurt, peanut butter or rice crackers, you’ll find a simple and yummy-sounding recipe in here. I also loved reading some of my favourites of Fiona’s stories she shared back in the ye olde blogging days!

And of course we had the sad news of the Queen’s death last Thursday - I have found myself on the Guardian website more often over the past few days than in many previous weeks combined! I found this piece by Jeanette Winterson and this one by Nesrine Malik the standouts of everything I’ve read. Quite different opinions, but I agree with both of them. Charles III has previously shown himself to be an ally of the climate and committed to diversity. Now he is King I really hope he continues to be so.

Listening to

How to Fail: Jarvis Cocker, whose book I am also currently reading. Always a pleasure to hear Jarvis and his invariably funny and thoughtful musings. And yes, I am on a first name basis with him because we once spoke at a Foyles event some years ago, haha! I particularly appreciated what he had to say about being vulnerable in your creative work, as I had just sent my supervisors my first draft and was quietly terrified:

[to be creative]…you have to be vulnerable and also open to making a fool of yourself. You have to feel like you’re walking on a tightrope and you could fall off and it will all be a disaster. But that’s what you have to do otherwise what you’re writing about, singing about, making films about, painting…it isn’t going to mean anything. It’s got to mean something to you first for it then to mean something to another…I think there’s a Leonard Cohen quote that says ‘anyone can show a scar, but it takes courage to show a pimple.’

That made me feel a lot better. Author Andrea Eames, who I interviewed for my own podcast nearly 10 years ago now, also said something similar in my interview with her, which I’ve borne in mind over the last few intense months of writing and in the queasy moments that followed pressing “send” on the draft:

I felt like I was free-falling…and I sort of feel like you have to feel like that when you're writing. If you don't feel terrified of what you're doing, it’s probably not very good. I think you sort of need to be uncomfortable and off your guard and vulnerable to write anything worthwhile.

I have to keep reminding myself that books are slippery things - they often won’t be what you thought or hoped they would be - and that no one will give me permission to write this book. Confidence is something I have to choose, and I also have to hold my nerve, every step of the way. What an education this is proving to be!

Best Friend Therapy: Transactional analysis therapy - another fascinating episode, which explored the role of our various internal voices and how we can find our way to a nurturing and calm adult way of seeing things.

Picking

I took advantage of a warm day when I wasn’t feeling too under the weather (I caught a cough off my sister - but it was not covid!) to tidy up the garden, dig in some compost and mulch with seaweed which Dad brought round. I picked some very healthy looking nettles which were growing wild in the garden, and a random carrot which I don’t remember planting! The celery and rainbow chard continue to produce well. I haven’t had to buy celery all year thanks to my amazing plants! The leaves are also a great substitute for parsley too (which hasn’t grown very well for me - maybe I don’t wear the trousers in this house after all! [that’s an old wives tale]).

Eating

We had lunch outside at the start of the week, for the first time since April, but it’s been freezing pretty much every day since! Typical mercurial spring weather!

I made some rather lovely nettle soup from the nettles (pictured) which had an almost broccoli taste, which was really delicious.

Other yummy things I’ve made over the past two weeks (not all of them photographed, alas!):

• Emma Galloway’s dhal with roasted cauliflower on the side

• A rather epic apple crumble

• Lime and ginger loaf cake

• Sweet potato mac and cheese (veganised, which I think I now prefer to the original!)

• Curried pumpkin, lentil and cauliflower soup

• Vegetable cashew noodle stir fry (not dissimilar to this, just without tofu)

• Tofu and rice with satay sauce (also from Emma Galloway’s latest book)

• Vegan pizzas (still loving the mushroom, green olive and basil pesto combo)

• Deliciously Ella’s mushroom and walnut ragu

We also tucked into some of the vegan chocolate stash we brought back from the UK!

If you would like any of the recipes for the dishes above that I made up, including the nettle soup, do let me know and I will happily write them up…provided I wrote down what I did of course, haha!

Watching

We have seen quite a few films these past few weeks.

Three Thousand Years of Longing (at the cinema) - this was our anniversary treat, and as it was a rainy Thursday afternoon we (almost) had the entire cinema to ourselves. Anything with Tilda Swinton and Idris Elba in it is going to be good, am I right? This was just what I was in the mood for - a well-crafted and acted film with a big brain and surreal/fantastical elements. An accomplished, outwardly content but somewhat lonely scholar (Swinton) buys an artefact in an Istanbul bazaar while there on a conference (she is a narratologist). Back at her hotel room she cleans the artefact, and a Djinn (Elba) appears, offering her three wishes in exchange for his freedom. Anyone expecting a “adult version of Aladdin” as I saw the film referred to in some reviews might be disappointed. It’s actually a very intellectual (as well as visually stunning) exploration of what stories mean and what cultural functions they serve (as cautionary tales, to maintain the status quo, etc). It also examines the idea that unless love is given freely, it isn’t really love at all (in other words, you cannot wish for it). Visually arresting, ambitious in scope and very funny in places, it’s a wonderful film to escape into. I really loved it.

Jurassic World Dominion (4K Blu Ray) - Tommy’s choice, you’ll not be surprised to hear, haha! Getting the original cast back together for this film was the main attraction for me, as I imagine it was for many, and Jeff Goldblum delivers even the most mundane lines in his usual scene-stealing way. Especially when he says: “Jurassic World. Not a fan.” Hahaha! But overall, despite the dazzling animatronics and some genuinely terrifying moments, it wasn’t my favourite of the franchise. Good fun though!

The Flipside (DVD) - OMG, what a find this was. Tom had gone into JB Hifi to get Jurassic World and while I was waiting for him to find it, I spotted this. Reading the synopsis, I was immediately intrigued. An Australian film, set in Adelaide and the Barossa, with all the ingredients of a Phil film - comedy, romance, food and wine, road trips, missed chances, the complicated emotional lives of women. A no-brainer, frankly! The minute it started playing, I knew we were going to enjoy it. It was very charming, clever, well-acted and the right amount of quirky. It reminded me a lot of one of my all time favourite films, Sideways. And yes, we watched it while drinking a Barossan shiraz and a meal that included quite a few Maggie Beer products - I like to team the evening meal with the theme of our chosen film!

I’ve become a little obsessed with Marion Pilowsky’s (the director) back catalogue - she has a lot of very funny and clever short films available on Youtube. I really related to what Marion said about why she made The Flipside:

After working in London for many years I returned to my hometown of Adelaide to focus on writing and directing. In the beginning it really struck me how alien I felt after being away for so long. As I readjusted the vast differences in culture and mind-set between Europe and Australia, it gave me an idea for a story that I felt many could relate to - the visitors from hell. This is a film about finding your true home, love, sex, food and bloody good Shiraz, as well as being my own personal ode to Australia.

She’s pretty much described the sequel to The Latte Years (which may or may not be in the works)!

Honestly, nothing makes me happier than discovering a funny, well-written, truly enjoyable film - and the fact it was written and directed by an Australian woman is a wonderful bonus. From what I could tell it wasn’t particularly well reviewed and I can’t really understand why - I guess people just didn’t get it. But I got it wholeheartedly! I urge you, if you’re in Australia, to seek it out - I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. And Castle fans, you’ll spot a beloved actor from that film in this one and he uses profanity in exactly the same hilarious way. Let me know if you check it out!

Grateful for

Good health (well, the knowledge that a hacking cough is just that and it will pass). A loving husband and family. Friends who show they care. That I live somewhere safe and uncrowded, where the streets are so silent at night you would think you were the only person living there. A roof over my head, food on the table, clean water, a warm bed. The usual suspects!

As I think I’ve hinted at quite a bit in my This Week posts, 2022 has not been an easy year. But, in my stronger, more clear-headed moments, I like to think I have grown more resilient because of it, and I have also been shown that I have a choice where my energy goes. I cannot control how anyone else has chosen to behave but I can choose how much energy I give to things that are, at the end of the day, not actually about me at all. It’s so easy to get bogged down in dramas and doubts, but life is not a guarantee, it is a gift and should be lived with reverence for what matters most. “Be here now” is my most oft-repeated mantra in meditation and it does help ground me. I am truly grateful for all the moments of enlightenment, in whatever form they’ve come, that have led to greater awareness and resilience.

Quote of the week

“We are what we believe we are.” - C.S Lewis

If you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything else, with me, please do! I hope you’re all keeping safe and well xx

this week

GRATEFUL FOR

The world has felt very wonky and fragile these past few weeks (and years), so it goes without saying how grateful I am to be safe and healthy. But this week I was also especially grateful for a quiet place to work while I had a deadline, and a kind and understanding husband who made me lunch and brought me tea at regular intervals.

IN AWE OF

Nature. It’s the best reset button.

READING

Meanjin Quarterly: How writing can shred you

Sydney Review of Books: Ditching the New Yorker voice

Smokehouse by Melissa Manning, a magnificent collection of short stories set in a part of Tasmania not far from where I grew up.

An Onion in My Pocket: My Life with Vegetables by Deborah Madison. A dear friend bought me Madison’s Vegetable Literacy for my birthday many years ago and it’s one of my favourites - I didn’t know anything about her though, and now I do! Foodie memoirs are such a comfort genre for me, I find them really cosy and fun to dive into for bedtime or rainy day reading. I loved Madison’s exploration of her life through food, vegetarianism, Zen practice, travelling and working in restaurants. I particularly enjoyed her recounting of when she was basically the assistant to a fairly eccentric woman who lived on the east coast of the US - as I had met many similar characters on my own travels through that part of America, I could picture it all very clearly! I also loved her chapter on her most memorable meals, which I might have a go at writing about myself sometime.

LISTENING TO

Mary Lattimore’s Til A Mermaid Drags You Under - I’ve had this song on repeat all week, for writing, yoga, and meditation. It’s just exquisite.

Wild with Sarah Wilson: This is why you’re finding the world too much, with Johann Hari, Oliver Burkeman: 4,000 weeks, it’s all we’ve got in this lifetime, folks! and David Whyte: the insta-calm of poetry and asking beautiful questions. I love this podcast. I’m constantly in awe of Sarah Wilson’s passion, integrity and fierce intelligence. And her guests are pretty interesting too!

I wrote SO much this week and therefore cycled between all my writing playlists - I have four. A general one (heavily leaning on Einaudi, Frahm, Richter and Hutchings), a Morning Pages one, a “moody and dramatic” one (where I really want to stir up some big emotions, possibly even cry while writing) and a “writing beats” one which is chilled house and dance and more for editing or corporate/freelance writing, where my brain needs to be more alert and focused rather than completely lost in its own world.

EATING

Bruschetta - one of my most favourite things to make and eat this time of year, when tomatoes are at their fragrant, juicy best. And the smell of fresh basil just makes me swoon. You seriously couldn’t get a more delicious, satisfying meal from such a small number of ingredients. If you have grown tomatoes yourself and they’re ready to pick, eat them like this. Mine were still warm from the sun.

A summer tomato and green bean curry (pictured) - all homegrown produce, braised in mild spices, tamarind, coconut milk and curry leaves. Absolutely delicious, though when I make it again I will add potatoes to make it slightly more substantial as it was a little liquid from all the tomato juices (though the broth was beautiful). Let me know if you want me to write up the recipe.

Tofu fried rice (several times!)

Vegan banana bread

I also cleaned out the freezer and made breadcrumbs from all the end pieces I had stored in there, and now have a giant jar of crunchy crumbs ready for an autumn of gratins and pasta bakes.

DRINKING

I’m a bit of a fan of the Twinings Infuse bags for cold water (though, they come in plastic, SIGH) and this week I tried the blueberry, apple and blackcurrant flavour, which I think might be my new favourite. Fruity but not sweet, just how I like it!

I’ve also rediscovered T2 Tea’s New York Breakfast - with soy milk, honey and a pinch of salt. Divine.

PICKING

So many tomatoes. Zucchini verging on marrowhood. Green and yellow beans, cooked to a melting softness in the aforementioned curry. Celery, getting thicker and prouder by the day. Figs, though the netting has obscured their ripeness from me and therefore there were many past their prime rotting in the bottom of the pot, but a feast for the ants. Strawberries are still cropping nicely, and swiping one as I water the garden in the morning or evening is a delightful treat - these are without a doubt the best, sweetest strawberries I’ve ever eaten in my life.

My parents also brought round more tomatoes, zucchini and apples. I’m going to make Pip Lincolne’s spaghetti with roasted tomatoes tonight, and zucchini relish and stewed apples over the weekend.

WATCHING

Call My Agent! (Dix pour cent)(Netflix) - I think I am more obsessed with this show than I was with Pam and Tommy. Such a finely written and acted comedy about the French film world, and more specifically a Parisian talent agency and all the hijinks the agents and clients get up to. We’ve laughed so hard watching it. It’s lovely to see Paris again too - the Paris I remember. It’s seriously brilliant and I highly recommend it!

WEARING/APPLYING

Country Road sweatshirts - I have two (navy and citrus) and live in them. They’re perfect for this in-between time of year where it’s 28 degrees one day and 15 the next!

THINKING ABOUT

A book I saw in a country charity shop two years ago, in the Before times, only just. I really wish I’d bought it and I wonder if it’s still there. I might take a road trip next week and find out…though, with the price of petrol at the moment, perhaps not.

FAVOURITE EXPERIENCE/S OF THE WEEK

A 9km bushwalk with my friend and her dog…and getting an ice cream afterwards!

I also loved having my mum over for coffee and aforementioned vegan banana bread. I know I’ve been back for three years now, but the idea that my mum, who I often went years without seeing, can now just pop round to my place for a coffee is still a novel one, and utterly delightful.

weekenders on our own

Just a perfect day
Problems all left alone
Weekenders on our own
It's such fun

- Lou Reed

Sometimes the best days are the unplanned ones. 

We expected rain, being stuck indoors, winter still blowing its frosty breath over the city. Instead, it was pleasantly overcast when we met our friends at Old Street tube and took the scenic route, through the streets of Shoreditch which are like galleries with vast, colourful murals everywhere you look, to a cafe for the best vegan burger in London:

Then we walked around Columbia Road, past Hackney City Farm where we saw baby goats frolicking in the grass, and then up to Broadway Market where we stood elbow to elbow with East London's hipster population jostling for vintage clothes, killer brownies, raw milk, giant cheese toasties, coffee and sourdough bread. I came for Frida.

Actually, I think it's meant to be a blend of Frida and Diego!

Then we walked back to Haggerston along the canal. The sun came out and we unpeeled ourselves from our coats with glee. We made a brief stop at Proud East for probably the best Virgin Mary I've ever had:

Refreshed, we walked further along Regent's Canal up to Islington. The air was cold but the sun was out, and I could smell the sweet perfume of violets on the banks, wood-fired stoves in the canal boats, and coffee from the riverside cafes. We saw a group of friends drifting along the river in a floating hot tub. I took note of the company for future reference!

We wandered through Camden Passage, as the stallholders began to wrap their unsold wares in newspaper and box them up, and there was still a queue at the Breakfast Club. We stopped for a pint in the Camden Head (our new favourite place in this part of town).

When a day turns out to be unexpectedly fun, in the gentle company of true friends with whom you can just be yourself, with delicious food, refreshing beverages, the weather surprisingly fine and the promise of spring hovering on the horizon.....these are the days that I live for. 

the writer's garden

"The soil is warming. We gardeners grow ever more watchful, sniffing the air as excitedly as beagles, peering into the vegetation to detect those first thrilling signs of life. Is that a distance haze of green? Wait: did you hear birdsong? At long long last, after months of enforced dormancy, we tell ourselves it might be time to begin." - Charlotte Mendelson, "Rhapsody in Green"

The last weekend in March, I planted early potatoes. A week later, the rhubarb we'd given up for dead did a Jesus and came back to life, the blueberry bush began sprouting green leaves and the cherry tree exploded in pink blossoms.

Tom and I went out for a run and came back to a generous bag of horse manure on the front step, gift of our mechanic, also a keen gardener who told me rhubarb loves horse manure and he had a reliable local source.

My packets of seeds have been out on the bench for the last few weekends, waiting for the right, ripe moment to sow as April marches into May.

As Charlotte Mendelson writes in her lovely book of essays, this is such a nice time of year to be a gardener - a time where hope triumphs over experience, where we sow and are thrilled by the potential, like applying for a job we really want - you send your CV off, put the seed in the ground, and for a while, anything can happen. It's a lovely feeling.

Today I planted french beans and courgettes (zucchini), and there is a tomato plant on my kitchen windowsill. The cherry blossoms are falling and fading, to make way for the green leaves and fruit. The potatoes are thriving. The rhubarb is Trump-like in its determination to beat all the odds and completely take over. 

I love my garden. I hope it will be an abundant year, in every sense.

how I started running again

As most of you would know, I run for beer! :) 

On Sunday I ran the RunThrough.co.uk Finsbury Park 10k race. It was -4 degrees, I ran with about four layers on, wasn't able to keep my no-toilet-break record, and stopped to walk twice, but I finished! And that was all I wanted.

It’s been a strange couple of years for me. Full of incredible highs, but equally full of lows. Stress, anxiety, grief, burnout…. they certainly make life less fun. They rob you of the ability to see the bigger picture. My wellbeing/self-care is always the first to suffer when I feel like that. But the desire to run, to keep up the kind of training I'd been doing, had completely left me, After years of running a half marathon every weekend, I was exhausted and needed a break.

That's not to say I've not gone running since then - but it's been jogs round the block when I could be bothered, really. But until Sunday I hadn't run a proper race since 2013. Sunday was my first 10k in all that time.

I started running again last year. Once a week, with a group at work. I was in a very apathetic place, very much with a can't-be-fucked-what's-the-point mindset, but figured once a week was better than nothing. Most weeks I managed between 4 and 5k on those runs. It wasn’t a marathon, but, as I say, better than nothing.

I spent so much of last year feeling utterly drained, unable to move forward. Spending such a long time in the company of your past takes a real toll on your sense of self, I discovered. I spent a lot of last year wondering who the hell I was any more. Things that used to be so easy for me were suddenly REALLY BIG THINGS. Like going to parties where I didn’t know anyone. Like writing. Like running. Those things used to excite me, give me energy. But now I NEEDED energy to do them. It was exhausting, frustrating and left me in a bit of a heap.

2017 is only 26 days old but I’ve already bought new running shoes, done two park runs, my standard run with my work running group is now 6k and now I’ve done my first 10k race in nearly 4 years.

Six years ago, almost to the day, I had just started training for the London marathon. I was doing 10ks before breakfast. So you might think it’s a bit disheartening to only be doing 5ks and 10ks considering how fit I used to be. But it’s really not. I feel so happy, so grateful, to be running again I don't care about the distances. I just want to run. It's part of who I am. Something I didn't realise until I wasn't doing it any more.

My life has been a series of ebbs and flows, ups and downs. You can’t have one without the other. The story I shared in The Latte Years keeps going. I’m not the same person who went through all those highs and lows in the book – I’m not even the same person who wrote it, a mere two years ago. I’m a work in progress, always. I’m (still) learning that when life gets a bit much, as it does for all of us, not to let go of the things that take a bit more effort than sitting on the couch with Netflix and crisps, because it's those things that truly light me up from the inside.

Returning to running - not just a jog here and there when I could be bothered - has been marvellous. Not just the joy of being physically active and pushing my body beyond its comfort zone, but I’m remembering how to be my own cheerleader. I’m remembering how important it is just to show up and give it a go - you don't have to be the best, just do YOUR best. How important it is to just run your own race and not worry about what other people are doing, how much further ahead they may or may not be. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my good health, for the ability to run at all. I have been reminded that negative thinking, in running and in life, is a luxury I simply cannot afford.

Most of all, thanks to running, I feel more like myself than I have felt in a very long time.

PS: I totally signed up for that 10k because of the medal. Isn't it beautiful?