mental health

these past few weeks

Where do I begin? As I tell myself when I sit down at my desk each day - begin somewhere. Anywhere.

As you might have been able to guess from the above photos, I’ve just got back from nearly four weeks in the UK - my former home, the site of so many important and happy years of my life. This visit was not for happy reasons, however, and given that we’ve been in the grip of a global pandemic for the past two years (and with still around 300 deaths a week in Australia this month alone, I do not believe it’s over yet), I personally wouldn’t have chosen to make this trip at this point in time. But we did, and we made the best of it. More importantly, we survived everything that needed to be faced, and are safely home.

Having not left Tasmania since January 2020, it was a very welcome change of scene, despite there being a lot of stressful things to negotiate and our time being limited. However, we definitely tried to make the most of being there. I saw sites related to my PhD which I had long made my peace with never seeing in person while writing this book, so that was incredible. We made pilgrimages to literary sites I had always wanted to see but never made the time to go to when we lived here, which I’d since very much regretted. We drove over 1,000 miles all over the country. We saw some dear friends, as many of them as we could, and even made some new ones. We spent a lot of time in cemeteries. We even got to enjoy the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, which was lovely - no country does pageantry quite like the UK, am I right?

I love the UK, and always will. There are many things I miss about life there, my friends especially. But this trip confirmed for both of us that Hobart is definitely our home and moving back here four years ago was 100% the right decision. In many ways, this trip was like returning to an old life for a few weeks and while that was great fun in some respects, it was also a reminder of what we had outgrown or grown tired of. We felt very homesick for Australia while we were gone; a longing that on my part felt marrow deep. When we were finally on our flight back to Perth, I’m not embarrassed to admit my lip was trembling when the Qantas theme started playing!

I’ve spent the last week waking up at 3:30am (!), ploughing straight back into work including a conference and giving a paper on four hours sleep, and making food that requires long, slow cooking because that is my mode at the moment - go slow. To have gone from a heatwave in London and tanned forearms to an icy, dark winter and flannelette sheets on the bed has been a bit of a mind-bend, in more ways than one. But we’re deeply relieved to be back. It was nice to have an adventure, but even nicer to come home.

I’ll do my best to share the trip with you via my usual This Week headings!

Favourite experience/s

Our first tube ride, fresh off the plane. We have, of course, done that journey a thousand times - the Piccadilly line from Heathrow out to Southgate, almost at the other end of the line, which takes about 75 minutes. Our Oysters still had a little credit on them! From the moment we touched in to riding the escalator to alight at Southgate, we were both overwhelmed by how nice it was to see it all again - how nostalgic we were as the train passed through all the familiar stations that used to signal the end of the working day. The comforting familiarity of it all, how innately we knew the system, exactly where to go and what to do, as if no time had passed at all. At the same time, we were seeing it with fresh, new eyes and it felt kind of wondrous.

Surprising our old neighbours with an impromptu visit! I love surprises - both planning them for others and being on the receiving end of one - so I got a real thrill out of seeing how blown away our old friends were at finding us on their doorstep! We sat and chatted in their living room as the sun went down that first night, next door to our old flat, and it felt just like old times, like we had never been gone.

A morning run around my old neighbourhood park, and brunch afterwards at our old favourite cafe. It was nice to see how many local businesses had survived the lockdowns (and also sad to see how many hadn’t).

Experiencing the new Elizabeth line! We arrived on the day it opened and I was stunned at both the transformation in the stations that I had grown used to being building sites (cough, Moorgate, cough!) and in the efficiency of the line. You can be in Liverpool Street in two stops from Tottenham Court Road now. Mind. Blown.

All PhD related site visits - some in London, some in other parts of England, but all made the world of my characters (I say that for ease, they were real people, but I’m writing fiction) so much more alive and vivid for me. Being able to smell the air, to hear the sound of the wind in the trees, to see what flowers grow wild there in the summer, to see buildings that were already a hundred or so years old when they were living there or to feel the energy of a place where the buildings are long gone….it was beyond anything I could have imagined.

Reunions with wonderful people I love. I wish we could have seen everyone, but sadly it was a very jam-packed schedule and it wasn’t always possible to give people enough of a heads up. I worried too that in between jet lag and all the stress of the reasons why we were there, people weren’t exactly seeing us at our best either. But I needn’t have worried - everyone was very kind, understanding and accommodating, for which my gratitude is boundless. And while I’m also deeply grateful for the modern wonders that are FaceTime and Zoom, nothing quite beats seeing friends in person.

Norwich - a fabulous city we unexpectedly spent quite a bit of time in! I love it there. Wonderful places to eat, great pubs, decent coffee, a branch of my favourite UK clothing brand (Seasalt Cornwall), charity shops full of hidden treasures, an awesome bookshop, and so much history! We saw the cathedral, which dates back to 1145, and a pub that’s been open in the same spot since 1249. The mind boggles.

Seeing Sylvia Plath’s grave. This was deeply moving - sad and strange yet beautiful. I was expecting a bit of a throng of fellow Plath fans and having to wait my turn, but Tom and I found ourselves in a deserted, quiet cemetery on a bright summer afternoon. The grave is overgrown with blue forget-me-nots and I was enchanted by the number of bees buzzing around merrily in the flowers. I think she might have quite liked being a haven for bees who “taste the spring”. It was quiet and peaceful, but not quite what one of the most influential poets of the twentieth century deserves, in my opinion.

Haworth Parsonage - what a wondrous morning we spent here! I could have spent the entire day there happily. It was a real pinch myself moment; the building and its contents have been beautifully preserved by the Brontë society and there are some truly fascinating artefacts inside. My girlhood passion for the Brontës has been well and truly reignited; this visit reminded me of why I had been so fascinated by them.

Meeting lots of lovely dogs - I had forgotten how dog-friendly everything is in the UK! Every pub we went to had a dog in it, to my delight. And they usually made a bee-line for me, much to Tom’s amusement. “Every time! I don’t know what it is,” he laughed.

Anything food-related - see further!

Reading

On reflection, I should have bought all of these books too.

I have to admit, I barely read at all while we were away - apart from the news and anything work-related, because I was still working intermittently throughout the trip. So, this section will be devoted to the wonder that is UK bookshops! I hit all the big ones in London - Hatchards, Waterstones Piccadilly, Foyles on Charing Cross Road, the Brick Lane Bookshop - as well as The Book Hive in Norwich, several Oxfams and we also made a stop at Hay-on-Wye, famous for being one of the UK’s most bookish destinations with no less than 25 bookshops in the tiny village.

I had deliberately packed light so I had plenty of room to bring books back with me. I think it would be safe to say that over half of my suitcase’s final going-home weight was in books. I make no apologies - I am who I am!

Persephone has moved from London to Bath in the years since we’ve been gone, which was not on our itinerary, but thankfully there were plenty of places to procure Persephones about the place. I snaffled a grand total of six. I will be set for Persephones for some time - I do enjoy having a stockpile of them to work my way through!

We also managed to get a SIGNED copy of Jarvis Cocker’s new book which was released on my birthday (an omen). Procured from my old favourite Brick Lane Bookshop, who were as obliging and friendly as ever.

I also loved being able to pick up a copy of Waitrose magazine again - for May and June! Oh, Waitrose - how I’d missed you!

Listening to

The theme tune of our road trip was this song. Quite the ear worm, apologies in advance!

My husband would also like to inform readers of this blog that he procured some vinyl and CDs that are nigh on impossible to get in Australia and enjoyed that aspect of the trip immensely.

Eating

Chips with beer in a pub. Need I say more?

Before this trip, I could count the number of times I have eaten a meal out over the past two years on one hand. I had forgotten what a treat it is, and how exciting it is to try new things and get new ideas for your own cooking. We had some lovely and memorable meals out, interspersed with the wonderful home cooking of friends and family, and we also sampled some of our favourite treats from our old life - Fox’s Chocolate Rounds and M&S hummus (me), Skips and M&S Dutch Shortcakes (Tom), Monster Munch (both). Some lived up to our nostalgic memories and others didn’t! It is funny how your palate sometimes changes as you get older.

Mildred’s - an old favourite in King’s Cross which didn’t disappoint. We started with artichokes with panelle (fried chickpea batter), followed by a “chicken” kebab with kachumber, and a sweet potato and green bean curry with pea-flecked turmeric rice. All so very delicious. And a much needed injection of veg after a day of eating mostly pastries!

Sicilian lemon tart at Theo Randall’s - my birthday cake this year! The meal there was stunning, as always. And I so enjoyed drinking Italian, Spanish and French white wines on this trip, as an aside. There is a freshness about them that always makes me think of happy summers during the years I lived in such close proximity to all three countries.

Wagamama - another old favourite that has had an incredible menu overhaul, with so many delicious vegan options now. I tried the spicy “chicken” ramen (pictured left) and hoisin “duck” rice bowl (right) and both were amazing. The rice bowl even had a vegan “egg”, made from coconut. It was surprisingly realistic!

My aunt is an incredible cook - everything is delicious and wholesome, yet also indulgent. On our first night with her, she had made Nigella Lawson’s liquorice pudding for dessert, which was divine. I will be making it myself very soon!

Not a particularly ambrosial eating experience but a memorable one - we had been driving all day, some 400 miles, and were finally where we needed to be. We found a Travelodge and collapsed wearily on to the bed. Unable to face the idea of going out again, or even of other human interaction, I had had the foresight to buy some Pot Noodles so that was our dinner - boiling the hotel kettle and slurping up these noodles, which were surprisingly good. It felt like we were in our own version of Long Way Round.

We stayed a night with a dear friend in Hertfordshire (readers of my old blog might remember me referring to “my friend the GP” on occasion, this was her!) and after a happy and emotional reunion, she served us a wondrous spaghetti puttanesca which was so comforting and delicious after a day of driving. Accompanied by a chilled Spanish white wine, and with the comforting smell of her cooking in the air and the evening sun golden in the garden, I breathed a deep sigh of relief that the hardest part of the trip was over.

Some amazing Indian takeaway with our friends in south London. Indian food in the UK is really phenomenal, almost as good as being in India itself!

A birthday lunch of Pilpel felafel, which used to be my go-to whenever I would treat myself to a takeaway lunch when I worked nearby. Fresh, healthy, delicious, and the felafel remain the best I have ever had.

But the foodie highlight of the trip was a meal at Erpingham House in Norwich which, if you’re in the UK, I can only urge you to visit as soon as humanly possible, whether you’re vegan or not. You won’t fail to be impressed with the creativity, the quality of the food and its deliciousness.

FSH and smashed potatoes - heaven! It’s a battered banana blossom.

I wish we had been able to sample everything on the menu but in the end, Tom and I both had “fsh” and smashed potatoes (pictured above) and my aunt had “lamb”, and that took quite some deliberation! It’s such a treat to go somewhere and be able to order everything on the menu, not just be scanning for the V or VO options. I got so much inspiration for my cooking from this one meal here. It was simply outstanding.

And, believe it or not, the airline food was OK! I had two favourites - a paratha stuffed with coconut lentils and mushrooms that was served as a midnight snack somewhere between Indonesia and Dubai on the way over, and char kway teow style rice noodles with tofu served for lunch on the Perth to Melbourne flight. Qantas, you did good!

Watching

I discovered Mary McCartney Serves It Up by accident and ended up watching every episode I could lay my hands on - such a charming show with the elegant and charming Mary who cooks all vegan food. I particularly enjoyed Dave Grohl appearing as a guest!

Dinner Date - our old ITV favourite, a comfort watch that has lost none of the cringe factor! For those who don’t know, it’s a reality show where a single man or woman is given five menus to choose from - of those five, they pick the three they most like the sound of (or, most likely, the three the producers have decided would make the most interesting/awkward TV!) and are then subjected to three blind dates where said blind dates cook a three course meal for the guest. At the end of the trio of blind dates, the guest chooses the host they most felt a spark with and off they go, out for a meal they haven’t had to cook! The two unpicked hosts get a commiseration prize of a ready meal. It’s my favourite kind of reality TV and I so enjoyed catching up on a few episodes! I’m pretty sure there’s been an Australian version, which I’ll have to sniff out.

We were also introduced to the nature program Springwatch, which I had never seen before - it’s broadcast live from a series of cameras all over the UK, which “charts the fortunes of British wildlife during the changing of the seasons”. Some stories have a soap opera element about them, with some quite dramatic fates of certain nests of fledglings! It’s really quite relaxing to watch at the end of the day. And oddly hilarious in places, as birds really do get up to some crazy things.

We also watched the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee concert which opened with the Queen and Paddington Bear, which was so very sweet (Paddington 2 is an incredible film, if you’ve not seen it, FYI). We were also in the country during the vote of no confidence in Boris Johnson so naturally were glued to the BBC for the results of that…

Finally, finding Stanley Tucci’s Searching for Italy available to watch on the flight home after not being able to watch it in Australia was amazing! Dear Stanley, what a lovely man he is. How I would love to be friends with him and Felicity! The program is so thoughtfully and passionately put together, and some parts of it are so tender and moving. And guaranteed to make you want to eat pasta, I’d say.

Quote of the trip

“It’s always better to travel hopefully.” - Rick Stein

Whenever we found ourselves despairing or overcome with anxiety (which sadly but unavoidably happened quite frequently on this trip) about what lay ahead and all the things that could go wrong, one of us would say to the other “travel hopefully”, which is what Rick Stein says at the beginning of his Secret France series, admittedly in the very different context of being hopeful of finding some great food and wine on his travels. We were rewatching some comfort TV in the lead up to our departure, in a bid to keep all the anxiety at bay, and when we heard Rick say the words “travel hopefully”, it became our mantra. And it helped.

It’s hard to explain and I know a lot of people won’t understand, but we had not even gone to the mainland in all this time, so the idea of making such a big journey was very daunting and still felt incredibly risky. We had grown very used to overseas travel being government-sanctioned and off limits, so to be doing it again with very few restrictions felt so strange, almost surreal. And frightening at times, to be honest. I’m proud of how resilient we both were, how we just got on with things, and stayed positive in the face of some very challenging experiences.

And somehow, by some miracle (because our flights were full and we were definitely in the minority in terms of consistent mask wearing), we have remained Covid free! Masks and vaccinations for the win. And travelling hopefully doesn’t hurt either.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed the recap! As always, thank you for reading and if you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything else, with me, then please do. I’ll be back later in the week with my usual This Week wrap up. It’s good to be home. xx

this week

Philippa Moore This Week Laughing Duck

The ducks in the Botanical Gardens have so much personality and always make me smile!

There was snow on the mountain and ice on our windows this week, so I think winter has definitely arrived. I wore my favourite scarf in all my Zoom meetings and video chats with overseas pals. “Ah, it’s your turn to wear the woolies now,” laughed my dear friend Lisa in the UK, who’d noted my tank tops and dresses over the Australian summer with longing!

There’s been a lot of ‘not easy’ weeks in recent history. I’m learning to roll with it. In one of the podcasts I listened to this week, they quoted Eckhart Tolle who said: “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” Obviously that won’t apply to everything (it would be a bit insensitive to say it to someone who has just suffered a tragic loss, for example) but I appreciate this quote for the fact that it encourages you take back some power, particularly in situations where you feel very vulnerable and at the mercy of others. What is the lesson you can take from it? If you had intended this situation, what was it that you were trying to learn? Sometimes it can help to ask yourself that question, to make meaning out of hard times rather than wallow. As I am wont to do on occasion, admittedly!

I have drawn a lot of lessons from this recent period in my life but the overriding one is to trust myself and my instinct, always. It is very rarely wrong. This week, it was proved right once more and I will never, ever ignore it again.

Favourite experience/s of the week

Having my dear friend Isabel round for dinner! I hadn’t seen her for over three years and it was wonderful to be reunited. I cooked Pip Lincolne’s casserole again, perfect comfort food for a freezing night, and we talked for hours about writing, life, politics, and everything in between. You know how some people in your life are just balm for the soul? Iz is one of those people for me.

I also thoroughly enjoyed this month’s Hidden Nerve lecture, and discussing it with a lovely new friend who I’ve met through the course over Zoom the next day. We were both stunned that we were drinking the same tea, the same way (black, no milk or sugar), in two different parts of the country! I love life’s delightful surprises and synchronicities.

Reading

Sydney Review of Books: Critic Swallows Book by Catriona Menzies-Pike which argues that Trent Dalton, a phenomenally successful Australian author, is “the definitive novelist of Scott Morrison’s Australia” which I found very compelling and deeply thought-provoking. And let’s hope that Scott Morrison’s Australia will be a thing of the past after the election tomorrow.

I also loved Notness by Oliver Reeson who reviewed Yves Rees’ memoir of transition with great care and insight. I found Reeson’s ideas about representation, “reinforcing difference through representation, and how this relates to social power” and what this particular book said about these things really interesting, especially the way global popular culture validates certain ways of being. Reeson writes: “In fevered discussions about the importance of representation in popular culture we are forgetting how many cultures exist, quite successfully, completely outside of global popular culture [my emphasis]. In this idea that a way of being can only be taken up if it is first modeled and seen in popular culture, we are engaging in a bizarre denial of our humanity, ignoring that most of our impulses originate in our mind and bodies, rather than being taken in from an external source.”

Write or Die Tribe: Brad Listi: On Writing Autofiction, Working Through Failure, Quitting Twitter, and His New Novel, "Be Brief and Tell Them Everything" - I enjoyed this interview because it’s always validating to hear other authors talk about the process of trying and failing while you’re writing a book, experimenting with form, realising the form is wrong and starting again, or going in a completely new direction with a work.

Nathan Bransford: I’ve followed Nathan’s blog for years and this week’s post on Breaks, permission and writing was very timely and relatable!

The Wilderness Cure by Mo Wilde - this book is coming out in August, and I was lucky to get an advance Kindle copy to review. I really liked it! A compulsively readable, engaging and compelling book about a woman who decides to spend an entire year eating only wild food - what she can forage. And the challenge begins at the end of 2020 just as Scotland is heading into winter... I think a lot of us would like to think we eat seasonally and locally, but this book showed me that there's a lot more I could be doing to tread more lightly on the earth. One scene has had a profound impact on me - when Mo floats the idea of making a video to encourage people to eat organic food. She proposes making a gorgeous dinner full of organic produce, then placing it in front of people who aren't convinced of the benefits organic food, along with a shot glass of the legal amounts of pesticide and herbicide that you'd typically ingest with non-organic food, to pour over their food like you would a salad dressing. What a brilliant idea. I think such a video would almost certainly go viral and have an incredible impact. Overall, this book comes highly recommended to anyone interested in foraging, eating locally (that's an understatement!) and the natural world. Mo's passion and commitment is obvious and admirable in this very enjoyable and, I think, important book.

I also just read Caitlin Moran’s More Than A Woman and found it very enjoyable too, but more of a memoir this time and less a gritty, full-of-fight manifesto than its predecessor, her massively successful How To Be A Woman, was. Of course one can only write what one knows, but it’s then important to note that this isn’t a book all women will relate to, as the stories are told through a white, cis and educated lens. The parts about her daughter’s illness, however, were beautifully written and very moving.

Listening to

TIDAL inner autumn, yoga, running and writing beats playlists

I’ve also just discovered the Kronos Quartet - wow! Do you know of them? I’m quite blown away.

Best Friend Therapy: Endings - Are they a bad thing? What’s the difference between loss and change? How do we make meaning? I don’t know how they manage it, but the themes of this podcast always seem to be incredibly timely for me. Lots of useful stuff in this episode.

Eating

I had to think about this and try to recall from memory because, since being off social media, I don’t really take photos of my food all the time any more, nor that many selfies, which I find very interesting. I sometimes go through my phone looking for photos to accompany my This Week post and there’s very little, in comparison to how many photos I used to take.

We had the aforementioned Pip casserole for several lunches and dinners, either thinned out with stock as a soup, or with reheated with rice. I also made this wonderful West African Peanut Stew which I’ve made many times since discovering Rachel Ama and her wonderful books over the summer. If you love peanut butter it’s a must-try, and also a great way to clean out all the peanut butter jars sitting in my pantry with a teaspoon or two left stuck to the bottom! I also turned leftovers of this into a soup by thinning out with stock. Gorgeous!

West African Peanut Stew Philippa Moore

We also discovered, thanks to a kind hostess gift from Iz, these morsels of heaven:

Pana Organic Mylk Truffles

I don’t think I’ll ever eat any kind of chocolate again! They are seriously incredible.

Picking

I’ve been picking ruby chard, celery and kale - there’s still plenty to be had out there. I planted garlic last weekend and to my delight the soil was soft, crumbly and dark, like coffee grounds, and writhing with healthy worms. Bodes well for spring planting!

Watching

The football (by which I mean AFL) with my sister and her husband - I don’t know any of the players any more! I only recognise the commentators….who were players when I last followed the AFL with any seriousness, which was about 15 years ago. My lack of knowledge is a source of great hilarity to the family, as you can imagine.

Long Way Up (Apple TV) - the Long Way series, where Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman attempt epic motorbike journeys across the world, are our very favourites. No matter our mood, we can put an episode or two of any of the series on and it’s guaranteed to make us smile and ignite that spark of adventure in us. Long Way Up is the latest in the series, filmed 2019 and released in 2020, where Ewan, Charley and their loveable crew ride electric motorcycles and electric vehicles from the bottom of Argentina to Los Angeles, California - 13,000 miles in 100 days. It’s quite the adventure! I love that Ewan and Charley did the whole thing with such mindfulness of the environmental impact and wanting to show that these kind of epic, off-road trips are possible to do with electric vehicles.

Rick Stein’s Secret France (DVD) - I don’t know what it is about cooking shows, but they are the TV equivalent of a foot massage. I find watching them deeply relaxing, nothing makes me switch off as instantly as seeing Rick, Nigella, Jamie or even John and Gregg on the screen. I particularly enjoy Rick’s shows because they combine travel and cooking. Long Weekends is probably my favourite but this one, which takes him all over the less-visited parts of France where there is plenty of good food and wine to be found, is also fabulous. I do wish he’d get another dog sometimes. That Chalky was quite a character!

Quote of the week

John Keats quote Philippa Moore This Week

“I must choose between despair and energy - I choose the latter.” - John Keats

I’m going to take a few weeks off from my weekly posting, as I need to focus on some other projects, but I will be back with a vengeance in June. Until then, my friends, stay safe and well and know I am cheering you on, whatever it is you’re striving for or working through.

And as always, if you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything, with me, then please do! Thank you for reading xx

lockdown meal planning

Fresh food is still plentiful. Hashtag grateful.

Fresh food is still plentiful. Hashtag grateful.

Life has changed a great deal for most of us over the past month.

The act of popping to the supermarket, knowing you would be able to find exactly what you need and purchase it in whatever quantity you desired, and knowing if you ran out of something you could easily replace it, feels like a long time ago.

Let’s be honest, it was a privileged and fortunate time.

We have to adapt to our new circumstances, given that the current way of things is probably how life will be for the foreseeable future.

Yet, every time I have braved the local food shop (or Woolworths or Coles), I have been comforted by the fact that there is still plenty of fresh produce available. You might not be able to get tinned tomatoes, but there are still plenty of fresh ones, as far as I can see. Friends and neighbours have been lavishing their excess produce on me, in exchange for some of what I make with it. And I’m learning to be flexible too. If I can’t get red lentils, I buy yellow split peas instead.

I don’t think we’ve had this varied and interesting a diet for some time. As a result, I’m enjoying cooking, preparing food and eating it more than ever. I can’t remember the last time I planned every meal with such care and thought, determined to make the most of what I had. It has been a welcome distraction and helped me feel focused and purposeful.

It’s also ensuring we use what we already have in, preventing any unnecessary trips to the supermarket. I was as guilty as the next person of picking up bits and pieces at least once a week, even when I had plenty already at home. Now that I plan each meal, I’m minimising waste and ensuring everything is used.

I hope this is a permanent change in my habits, whatever happens.

So, what are you cooking right now?

What other people cook, and their favourite standby pantry dinners, have always intrigued me, and never more so now. It gives me new ideas and encourages me to try different things.

So I thought I’d tell you what we’ve been eating this past week, and tomorrow I’ll post what my plan is for this coming week. Please join in!

As Tom and I are both working from home now, we’re enjoying all our meals together so I’m planning lunches as well.

I made a list of all the meals we have ingredients for and then made a plan based on what needed to be used up first (fresh vegetables, already opened dairy/tofu/pastes, leftovers). We have a small vegetable garden still producing ample silverbeet and zucchini (though I suspect the latter’s reign is coming to an end).

I am also making bread every few days. I’m not sure what we’ll do if we run out of flour! But we have plenty for now.

Phil’s No Waste Lockdown Meal Plan

Sunday 29/3
Lunch: Veggie burger
Dinner: Tomato, coconut and silverbeet dhal + rice

Monday 30/3
Lunch: Leftover dhal turned into soup + bread
Dinner: Tofu noodle stir fry 

Tuesday 31/3
Lunch: Leftovers fried rice (rice from Sunday, tofu from Monday, with greens, soy sauce, chilli)
Dinner: No Waste Buddha Bowl

Wednesday 1/4
Lunch: Silverbeet, lemon and risoni soup + bread
Dinner: Zucchini slice 

Thursday 2/4
Lunch: Leftover soup and zucchini slice
Dinner: Jacket potato, beans, spinach

Friday 3/4
Lunch: Zucchini slice
Dinner: Silverbeet and ricotta cannelloni

Saturday 4/4
Lunch: Haloumi and fried egg rolls
Dinner: Leftover cannelloni + green veg

I don’t know about you, but cooking has been something wonderful to focus on these past few weeks. It’s helped quieten and focus my mind. I waste nothing, I think before I use anything, and value my food in a completely different way than I used to. I hope that seeing what I’ve been up to inspires you to do the same.

instagram vs reality

A page from my journal.

A page from my journal.

I like to give off the impression that I’m pretty together. That I’ve got my shit worked out or at least I have enough self-awareness to know what I need to work on. That I behave consciously. That I know what makes me happy and what doesn’t, and do my best to have as much as possible of the former in my life and the bare-arsed minimum of the latter.

And yet. And yet. I still care way too much about what things look like rather than what they feel like. I still care way too much about what people think. I still feel the sting of rejection and being misunderstood to my marrow. I still try far too hard to control other people’s impressions and experience of me. Ever since I arrived home, so many Phils have been competing to take the steering wheel off the only one I trust with this vehicle - wise, street-smart, calm Phil. All these other Phils I thought were satisfied now, their insecurities and baggage dealt with long ago. But no. No.

These past couple of years, my ego has been dying a slow, painful death. As it has lay dying, it has tried to show me, over and over again, that some (well, maybe around 90 per cent) of the things that I think matter really, really don’t. And that attempting to be part of the in crowd is a complete and utter waste of my time because I don’t belong there and I never have.

This afternoon, case in point. I had just made myself a mug of chai. I was still wearing my rather cool Kemi Telford skirt and cosy Witchery sweater from this morning’s client meeting. I thought I’d take a break from my work and enjoy a cup of tea. But then I thought “you’ve got such a nice outfit on, and this is such a pretty mug, and the light is nice, why don’t you take one of those ‘hands round the mug from above’ shots for Instagram?”

As I manipulated myself into place, I swear I could laughter from somewhere.

I read somewhere that the way all the influencers take these shots is by holding the phone in their mouths.

So there I was, outside, freezing, barefoot, with a blistering hot mug in my hands (turns out the handle is there for a reason!) and a phone in my mouth.

I could barely hold the mug, and I ended up with some kind of sore on my mouth, trying to keep the phone steady so I wouldn’t drop it and have it shatter on the concrete. The only photos I succeeded in taking were of inside my own mouth.

The phrase WTF? seemed designed for that very moment.

But all of a sudden, I saw myself.

And all I knew was I didn’t want to be this person.

And now, writing this, I feel released from something.

Every time I get drawn back into that world, of followers and likes and making everything look like a magazine and having an editorial calendar for your own bloody life, I will remember this moment.

There is so much I want to do with my life and none of it, none, involves burning my hands and hurting my mouth for a picture that won’t even legally belong to me any more once I upload it to that devilish platform.

But I also know I can’t be the only person out there who, on a day when they’re feeling a bit left out or vulnerable, sees everyone else’s shiny grids and perfectly-taken photos and feels a bit wistful….and then really, really lonely, like the uncool kid at school (which I was, so it’s a familiar feeling to me) looking at a world which, for some reason, you just aren’t part of. And every time you try to be a part of it, you end up falling flat on your face.

If you feel like that too, hi! I see you. Isn’t it hard pretending not to care when actually, deep down, you do care, even if it’s just a little bit? Isn’t it hard feeling the pull to fit in, because it’s so damn seductive?

But as Brene Brown has said, fitting in is not the same as belonging.

And I don’t want to fit in. Not really.

I try my best to be a bright, shiny, only-showing-my-good-side to the world woman, but actually….I’m pretty messy. Inside and out. My hair never behaves. My nails always break. My lipstick always ends up on my teeth. Whenever I wear white, I spill something on it. Every. Damn. Time. First world problems keep me awake at night. Some days I feel like everything is coming together and feel aligned with my purpose and calling, and other days I feel like I’ve accidentally burned all the bridges I’m trying to build.

I think being back home has reminded me of the pain of all those dark, lost years of my early adulthood, where I pretended that everything was fine and I had it all together but nothing could have been further from the truth. And sometimes I fall back into that trap. It’s hard to be real and honest and vulnerable when you’ve been hurt, both online and off. It’s hard to be yourself around people who don’t always appreciate or acknowledge how much you’ve changed, and therefore don’t always respond in the way you need or hope. But that’s another part of this revelation - I can only be me. I can only control my own actions. I can only be true to myself. I can be brave and put myself out there and know that I don’t need other people to behave or react in a certain way for me to feel safe or understood or seen or whatever. It’s hard, but it’s so freeing. The armour of perfection is too heavy.

So, no more phones in the mouth. It’s not for me. Only one-handed mug shots on my Instagram feed from now on. If at all. No more filters. Imperfection all the way. I’m going to do my best not to be afraid to show it.

PS: It took me sleeping on it to get the courage to hit publish on this post - but if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it’s the posts I’m most afraid to hit publish on that are probably the ones that need to be released. So here you are. Thank you for reading and listening to me :)

what I've learned from meditating for 250 days in a row

"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." - Fredrich Buechner

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Apart from brushing my teeth, drinking coffee and telling Tom I love him, I don't think I've ever done anything every day for such a sustained period of time.

But on Saturday, Insight Timer* told me I had just meditated for 250 days in a row.

How does that feel, you might ask?

It's hard to explain, but I guess a rambling blog post is a good place to try. I don't know if I feel calmer - and calm was definitely something I wanted to feel more of this time last year, when my old friend anxiety had moved back in. After 250 consecutive days of meditation, if anything I think I feel my emotions more.

But perhaps the difference is knowing I *can* sit with them, and they will pass. I no longer feel afraid of anger, sadness or loneliness. All things I used to avoid feeling if I possibly could.

I don't feel at one with the Universe. There have been no giant revelations or moments of enlightenment. But there has been a clearing, of sorts. I do feel like I know my mind better. 

I have become more conscious of things in my life - and within myself - that I'd like (and need) to change. 

When you force yourself to get still at least once a day, you slowly learn how to switch your mind off, even if it's only for a few seconds at a time.

Those moments - those fleeting, precious seconds when I am actually not thinking and am just there, all breath, in my body and all I can hear are cars on the street, or the rattle and creak of the floorboards, or the wind or birds outside, or the oven warming up, or my neighbour leaving for the day, and my mind is empty and quiet, and I can feel the quietness of it - are bliss.

I meditate for an average of 10 minutes at a time. Occasionally I do 20 minutes, like I did this morning. I'd like to build up to more. That feeling - where everything drops away and I witness my mind emptying and getting still - has only ever lasted for a few seconds, so far. I've never been able to maintain it for very long but those few seconds are always worth it. They make me think "ah, this is the point of it all."

Meditation has helped me find ways to relax, to check in, to be in the present throughout the day, not just when I've got the app timer running. When you force yourself to stop and just be where you are right now, you start to realise how much of our mind's energy is spent fretting over the past and the future. 

Stress has not vanished from my life because I've been meditating every day. If anything, I'm more aware of how stress feels in my body. But when that happens, I employ a breathing technique which clears the mind and helps me relax. 

Meditation has helped me to be (slightly) more patient with and forgiving of myself, which I hope will translate into my interactions with others. 

It's become a wonderful way to start the day. I meditate before I do anything - no checking my phone first, and ideally immediately afterward I write in my journal or do Morning Pages (but that doesn't always happen). Once I've meditated, I go into the kitchen and find Tom has made a coffee for me (and unloaded the dishwasher!) and sit there, taking in the taste of the coffee, feeling reset for the day, my senses heightened.

Meditation has helped me feel more peaceful and content in my heart. Every time I hear the closing bell, I feel reassured that I'm a good person doing my best, trying to be kind, improve and move forward.

And that's worth making time for each day.

So what if instead of fearing the power of dark thoughts, we used our minds’ power to create safe havens within ourselves to explore them. Maybe literally envisioning cocoons inside our hearts where we can sit before cozy fires, hot drinks in hand, and ask of our fear and laziness and depression and shame and lust and rage and whatever other thing we might otherwise try to ignore: What is it you’d like to say to me? What indispensable nourishment do you have for the Life of trust I want to live? – Kristen Noelle (via Leonie Wise)

 

* Insight Timer is a free app and is the one I use based on recommendations from friends and well-wishers. I absolutely love it and am not being paid to mention it in any way! I just wanted to share because it has genuinely improved my life.