heavy in my mind like a ripe pear

“As for my next book, I won’t write it till it has grown heavy in my mind like a ripe pear; pendant, gravid, asking to be cut or it will fall.” - Virginia Woolf

My PhD novel has been growing heavy in my mind for nearly 20 years.

Its shape has shifted, then shifted again. Then again. And then again once more.

I think it’s ready, asking, to be cut now. But if instead it falls from the branch it has clung to for all these years, I hope it lands in a pile of soft dry grass, where it will be safe from the hungry parrots who have been feasting on fruit still on the trees. Where it isn’t left too long to be picked up, still fine to eat, with perhaps only a tiny bruise or two from the fall to be cut away.

Worse case scenario, maybe it will be scooped up with all the other windfalls and be made into a lovely crumble.

I lit my first fire in the house last week. Picked figs, rhubarb, runner beans, iron-rich greens so dark they are almost ink-black. Made yoghurt. Failed at making yoghurt. Wrote and wrote, deleted, despaired, then wrote again.

The pear will be cut, or it will fall.

things to remember

Coffee. A daily essential, much like writing.

In my recent article about journalling, I mentioned that I often dedicate several pages - usually the first or last two or three - of my journal to “things to remember”.

By that I mean, I write down phrases, affirmations or reminders that ground me, things I find useful to hear often depending on what is currently going on. If I read something in an article or book, or hear something someone says in a podcast, that particularly speaks to me, that might be helpful for me to bear in mind at the present time, I will write it there. I also sometimes write down insights that occur to me in daily meditation.

I highly recommend this practice of writing down things you find comforting and grounding that you can look at and remind yourself of, especially if you’re a bit like me and find your anxiety running away with you at times. It can be really handy to look at it in your over-thinking moments.

As I’m just coming to the final few pages of my current notebook, I thought I might share some of the things I felt moved to remind myself of or ground myself in the truth of this last little while, in the hope it might be useful for you too. Perhaps I’ll make sharing these a regular thing.

Things to remember

• Karma never loses an address.

• When victory comes at too heavy a price, there’s honour in choosing defeat.

• The seeds we nourish and cultivate within us are the seeds that grow.

• Every storm eventually runs out of rain.

• No matter what you do, someone is bound to end up disappointed…so do what you want.

• There is no ahead or behind, everyone is walking a different path to the same place.

• You can have what you need, even when others need you.

• Confidence is quiet, insecurity is loud.

• How other people treat you is a measure of who they are, not a measure of your worthiness.

• Live with reverence for what truly matters.

• Be radically responsible for yourself.

Daphne (my favourite winter flower) on my desk at work as the sun started setting.

• No one has any power over you, only the power you’ve given them.

• Other people’s opinions are always one of two things: completely irrelevant or feedback you can choose to take or leave.

• Resilience is an asset.

• Live, and write, with audacity.

• The work is your domain, you are not in control of the rest.

• Finish what you start.

• Ripe fruit falls quickly.

• Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

• Being hard on yourself is never the route to more joy.

• You are going to be OK, regardless of the decisions and behaviour of others. You have survived everything so far.

• You are at your most powerful when you trust yourself.

• You are more than your thoughts. You are more than your body. You are more than the place where you live, your job, your bank account, your current health, your trauma, your highlight reel and accomplishments, your lowest moment and your worst day. You are enough. You always have been.

And finally….

“You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetic justice to your soul and simply experience yourself.” - Albert Camus

how to start journalling (and make it a habit)

I have been journaling for 1,243 mornings straight… (since 20 December 2019)

I get asked about journalling quite a lot. So I thought it was time I wrote a blog post about it - so if this is your bag, strap yourself in, get a cup of tea and enjoy one of my famous long reads!

my journalling habit

I started journalling (or “keeping a diary” as I called it) regularly in 1991 several months before my tenth birthday, and I continue to this day - in fact, right now I am a more regular and prolific journal-keeper than I ever have been.

I started writing Morning Pages daily at the end of 2019, a few months in to my PhD studies. Morning Pages are a practice that involves filling three pages (no more, no less) with whatever it is you’re thinking, stream-of-consciousness style, first thing every day. You should feel free to write whatever you want because in theory no one is ever going to read it, not even you. It’s simply a way of emptying your mind of the dross so that if you want to do some creative work, your mind won’t be preoccupied with the usual things it latches on to, preventing you from doing some deep thinking and creating.

I wasn’t new to the concept - I had done Morning Pages for a few months here and there over the years, but this time I really stuck with it. I’m not sure what it was about this time. Perhaps it was everything that happened at the start of 2020 and I suddenly had a desperate urge to capture and make sense of everything that was happening.

The notebooks I filled between April 2019 and August 2021.

Over three years later, they are still a daily habit! And I have no plans to ever stop. Even Tom is now doing Morning Pages, as he's seen the benefits it has had for my creativity and productivity, and he wanted in!

A journalling prompt for you, perhaps?

I call my morning journalling ritual “my pages” but I don’t think they’re Morning Pages in the strictest sense - they are not truly stream of consciousness (though sometimes they are) nor are they a considered, thoughtful setting down of what has happened in the previous 24 hours. I’d say my daily “pages” are somewhere in-between the two. That works for me.

Indeed, as Julia Cameron says herself, there’s no wrong way to do Morning Pages. Doing them is what’s important.

Alternatively, you might prefer reflective journalling at the end of each day. Helen Garner, possibly Australia’s most famous diarist, once said in an interview that, as she lives alone, she liked the evening ritual of just setting down a few thoughts on “how things went today”. I occasionally write in my journal in the evening too, I especially like to do a gratitude practice (see further).

Why do it?

Why do anything? Because you want to.

Because it brings you joy, clarity, calm, purpose.

Because it helps.

I do it for the same reasons I write in general - to figure out what I really think and feel, to work out what’s really going on. To remember things I don’t want to forget.

A momentous day indeed!

Posterity is a great reason to keep a journal. I have not had the heart or nerve to read any of my journals prior to 2006 (there aren’t many but I know they’re most likely incredibly embarrassing!) but I quite enjoy looking back through my more recent notebooks, even though Julia Cameron warns you not to read back through your Morning Pages in case it impedes you and wakes up the inner critic. I’ve not found that to be the case, yet.

I’ve come to realise that as great as it is to record the momentous occasions in life in writing (see picture!), it’s the random thoughts and the details of everyday life, as I was living it then, that I most enjoy having access to, thanks to regular journal keeping. Suddenly, the details are so clear. It’s like being back there.

I have at least five notebooks each for the last three years alone, but back in London it would usually take me a year to fill just one. Life was so hectic then. I wrote as much as I could but I wish I had written more. I was so convinced I would remember everything.

So now, I write every day. The most basic, mundane stuff. Because one day, it won’t be.

Ideas for getting started

Morning writing

As detailed above, I think making the ritual of journaling first thing in the morning, with your cup of tea or coffee, is a great way to start making it a habit. You will start to really look forward to it. It can be Morning Pages in the truest sense, just stream of consciousness until you’ve filled three pages, or more considered ordering of your thoughts. It’s up to you!

Gratitude journalling

This is also a lovely practice to get in the habit of, particularly if you want to change your mindset to a more positive one. Recognising your life’s many blessings, however small, can really help give you perspective. You don’t have to fill three pages if you don’t want to (though it’s easier than it sounds). You could just write five things that you noticed or that happened today (or yesterday, if you’re writing first thing in the morning) that you’re grateful for. I try to do this as an evening practice as well as my Morning Pages.

Travel journalling

Travel is a wonderful excuse to buy a lovely notebook (maybe in the place you’re visiting?) and start setting down what you get up to each day, the people you meet, the sights you see, the thoughts you have being away from home and everything familiar.

Prior to my current daily pages habit, the most prolific I had ever been with journalling was my solo trip around North America and my first few months of living in London in 2007. Every day, every hour sometimes, held new and wondrous things that I knew I wanted to capture and remember forever. There are only a few times in your life, I think, when you know you’re in some golden days while they’re actually happening, and that period of time was mine.

Dream journalling

Personally I don’t do this unless there was a dream that was particularly vivid and it’s all I can think about when I pick up the pen to do my Morning Pages. But many people do and find it useful, if not entertaining. It can be a great way to observe your subconscious at work.

Abundance mindset / affirmations

I really like doing this too, and I’d highly recommend checking out Bernardine Evaristo’s interview (and her wonderful memoir Manifesto) about positive intention setting.

Writing down the things you want to happen has some kind of magical power I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on. Recently, I was looking through a 2013 journal and found I had written down that I wanted to start putting a PhD proposal together. I was still living in the UK then so I’m not sure which university I had my sights set on, but the dream I’d had since I was a teenager was still with me. It took another six years to put a proposal together and get accepted into a PhD, but here I am, in my final year. Time is not a butler, as Austin Kleon put it. Things will happen on their own timetable. The trick is to stay open and never ignore a dream that won’t go away.

Things to remember

I’ve often dedicated several pages - usually the first or last handful of the current journal - to “things to remember”, reminders that ground me, things I find useful to hear often depending on what is currently going on in my life. If I read something in an article or book, or hear something someone says in a podcast, that particularly speaks to me, that might be helpful for me to bear in mind at the present time, I write it there.

Things like:

• “I am always taken care of, regardless of what I believe I do or don’t need.”

• “Other people’s karma is none of my business.”

• “You can’t control how people behave or treat you, you are only in control of how you let it affect you.”

That kind of thing. Perhaps it’s affirmations, but it’s all useful things that I find comforting and grounding. I highly recommend this if you’re a bit like me and find your anxiety running away with you at times. It can be really handy to look at it in your over-thinking moments.

Art journalling

Sometimes, with my brush pen, I copy out quotes and lines of poems that speak to me, and embellish them with ink paintings…well, I do my best.

Or I just draw lines and patterns with the brush pen, and add phrases or single words. It’s great fun.

Lines from the poem “I Imagine Myself In Time” by Jane Hirshfield, one of my favourite poets.

Here’s my thoughts on a couple of other frequently asked journalling-related questions:

do i have to do it every day?

No, not at all. But in order to make it a habit, if that’s what you want, you’re probably going to have to get into some kind of regular routine with it that works for you.

But don’t worry, it’s normal to go through periods of not really feeling it. To be honest, I’m going through a period of that myself. In 2020, with every day being so charged with uncertainty and life changing so rapidly in such a short space of time, I kind of looked forward to writing my pages each morning. There was always something to write about!

Recently, I’ve noticed a little inertia creeping in. And that’s OK. I don’t want to give up the daily habit, seeing as I’ve stuck with it for so long, so I’m just making my peace with currently writing utter nonsense, repetitive garbled words that can barely be called prose. It’s fine, I’m not Anaïs Nin. These are not going to be published. These will just be the pages I flick past, or rip out, if I ever read it in future.

what if someone finds it and reads it?!

This is one of the things I hear most frequently and, I must admit, it has worried me in the past too.

A quote from the brilliant novel Assembly by Natasha Brown. A must read.

When I was younger, I had my journal found and read by people who I never intended to read it, who then used what was in it against me. It was admittedly a very long time ago now but I still struggle to find the words for how scarring and traumatic it was. It made me feel like nowhere was safe for my private thoughts or, more accurately, I wasn’t allowed to have them. Everything about me, even my thoughts, had to be curated. No wonder I spent so much of my early adult life doing things that felt so incongruent with who I truly was - trauma and shame kept me from using my voice’s most natural outlet. Without it, I had no idea what I truly felt, thought or wanted. I was lost, and completely at the mercy of others.

Thankfully that’s no longer the case and those lost years are just part of my origin story now. But it’s taken me a long time to own my words, to wield their power well, and to reject the idea that I am solely responsible for their impact, particularly if they’re read by an unintended audience. I’m getting there but it still takes a lot for me to write truly uncensored. Though I can’t deny, with everything that’s happened over the last year, it’s such a release when I do!

If you’ve had a similar violation of your privacy and trust, or have reason to believe such a thing might happen, please know you are not alone. I can only advise you to do whatever it takes so that you can convince yourself that your journal is your safe space. Know that you are entitled to privacy and respect, no matter who you live with or how old you are. Keep your journal in a safe place, out of sight or, if necessary, under lock and key! Alternatively, write your pages each morning on a cheap notepad, then burn or destroy them afterwards, don’t keep them. What matters most is that you have a way to express yourself.

I have small children. time for myself in the mornings? What’s that?!

The fact that my morning routine is something I am able to prioritise and do without interruption every day is not something I take for granted - it is one of the great joys of my life and helps me feel anchored and get in a good mindset for the day. I can’t speak to how to best do that if you have small children but my old blogging friend Dr Jemma has a great episode on her podcast about how to create a nourishing morning routine with kids. I think this is her updated version, as she’s recently become a mum of 4! In fact, if you’re a busy and ambitious parent, you need to subscribe to her podcast!

My friend Katie Parker, who also specialises in supporting mothers of young children with their business goals and life balance, has some wonderful resources on her social media and has spoken often about the benefits of journalling.

published journals I love and would recommend

• The Diary of A Young Girl by Anne Frank (the one that started it all for me, aged 10!)

• I devoured the diaries of Anaïs Nin as a teenager but have not read them for many years now. They are a classic of the genre, as she was such a pioneer in terms of writing that walked the tightrope between public and private. Not for the faint-hearted. This LitHub article is a great introduction!

• If you’re a fan of New Zealand writer Katherine Mansfield, her journal is worth reading.

• Nigel Slater’s The Kitchen Diaries trilogy are all wonderful - the first is probably my favourite. I do long write something similar one day.

• Stephanie’s Journal by Stephanie Alexander (out of print) - again, a lovely blend of food and life, documenting the year 1997 which turned out to be quite momentous for one of Australia’s most loved and respected chefs and food writers. Worth looking out for secondhand or in an op shop!

• Helen Garner’s recently published volumes of diaries are fascinating reading - my favourite was the final one, How to End a Story. She is so crisp and devastating in her observations. I don’t think I will ever have her brevity!

• Beverley Farmer’s A Body of Water - perhaps not strictly a journal exclusively, but an interesting mash-mash of journal entries and short stories alongside essays on the writing process. I loved it!

• Sylvia Plath’s journals are a bit of a creative touchstone for me - I think they’re essential reading for anyone interested in her life and work.

• A Notable Woman by Jean Lucey Pratt - a remarkable volume that spans almost the entirety of Pratt’s life, from 1925 when she was a teenager to her death in 1986. Writing that is surprisingly intimate, frank and fresh.

• The diaries of Nella Last are also fascinating reading if you’re interested in life during World War Two - Nella was “Housewife, 49” who contributed diaries to the Mass Observation Project.

• Modern Nature by Derek Jarman - this is a beautiful and utterly compelling journal where Derek, living with the trauma and uncertainty of being HIV positive in the late 1980s, documents the creation of a garden that’s as visionary, wondrous and original as his art. Highly recommended.

• My Mad Fat Diary and My Madder, Fatter Diary by Rae Earl - full of hilarity and 1980s nostalgia, but also a deeply courageous documentation of what it was like to have a breakdown as a teenager when adolescent mental health services didn’t exist.

• Tom has been chipping away at Michael Palin’s Complete Diaries at bedtime for quite a while (in all fairness, it’s 1,952 pages!) and often reads me passages that are hilarious, deeply moving, or both.

I’m sure there’s more I’ve forgotten…..I will make additions when my memory is jogged!

So, what do you think? Are you inspired to start making journalling a habit? Let me know your thoughts!

Please note: this blog post has affiliate links with retailers such as Booktopia which means I may receive a commission for a sale that I refer, at no extra cost to you.

Katharine Susannah Prichard Writers' Centre 2023 Fellowships announced

I am beyond thrilled to let you know that I am a Katharine Susannah Prichard Writers’ Centre Fellow for 2023!

The Centre announced the Fellowship recipients earlier this week:

This annual fellowship program provides placements for dedicated aspiring, emerging and established writers looking to develop a writing project. These successful applicants will have the time and space to work in an inspirational environment with special access to Katharine's Cottage, where celebrated novelist Katharine Susannah Prichard wrote most of her works. While in residence at KSP, these fellows also have access to an active community of peers through our many writing groups and workshops.

This means at some point next year I will have two weeks of immersive and focused writing time at this beautiful-looking centre in the outskirts of Perth, Western Australia, where I will be working on my PhD novel. Hopefully by then I will be well and truly on a third draft…maybe a fourth.

At the start of the year I vowed that 2022 would not be another year that I lost to imposter syndrome, which means I’ve put my hat in the ring for many things like this, things I might have been scared off applying for in previous years. Not all of them have come off but that wasn’t the point - the point was to try. That was the deal I made with myself. Just try - no expectations or cherished outcomes beyond that. The lesson Liz Gilbert taught me four years ago seems to have finally sunk in.

To say I can’t wait for 2023 now would be an understatement! Getting this news has been utterly wondrous and spirit-lifting. The day I got the email, I kept checking it to make sure I hadn’t misread it! It’s amazing what can happen when you get out of your own way and just try.

Thank you so much KSP - see you next year!

this week

It’s always fun to spot The Latte Years out in the wild! I don’t think seeing my book on a library shelf will ever get old. I also love how our State Library puts a little Tassie sticker on the spine if you’re a local author.

Sometimes I’m glad I just went with This Week as the title of these weekly updates - something simple, rather than anything clever or exciting. I got trained out of that some years ago when the Elders of the Internet suddenly told us that blog post titles that were too clever, a pun or a play on words, where the reader might have to work for the meaning, were bad for SEO, or led to lower engagement and higher bounce rates. I get the rationale for it, I do.

But if I were giving each weekly update post its own title, this week I might have gone with The Physics of Failure.

A supremely clever and dear friend of mine is an engineer and that is her specialty. But I also think it’s a fantastic summation of trying to write the first draft of a complicated novel.

Take this equation from my most recent work day - write 500 words, delete 5000. What kind of algorithm is that? How is it possible to estimate or predict anything about the creative process? “Honestly, who would do this?” my colleague wrote back in solidarity when we exchanged emails about our writing progress that day.

But I do want to do this, as excruciating as it is. Putting a book together, as Annie Dillard writes, is “interesting and exhilarating. It is sufficiently difficult and complex that is engages all your intelligence. It is life at its most free.”

So, there is nothing to do but keep buggering on, as Winston Churchill said. I steel myself as I prepare for the week ahead, but also I’m rather excited as I wonder whether the draft might be completely different this time next week. What might happen? What might I discover?

Favourite experience/s of the week

Coffee with my parents at a cafe for the first time in about a year (in a cafe, that is, I have seen my parents often in that time!). I’m grateful that hanging out with them regularly is now the norm, no longer a biennial event, though I still savour spending time with them, all the same.

A visit to the hairdresser for the first time since February! My last hairdresser sadly moved away so I had to find a replacement - the lovely lady who did my hair on Tuesday recognised me once I pulled my mask down to take a sip of water. It turned out she did my sister’s hair for her wedding, many years ago. Hashtag Hobart!

Reading

Again mostly PhD stuff but I also managed to read Karen Hitchcock’s The Medicine: A Doctor’s Notes, a collection of her essays about what it’s like to work in the Australian public health system today - interestingly, published in February 2020 and therefore some of her warnings about the dire state of things proved to be correct. Her writing is so insightful and sharp and quite haunting. Karen has been one of my favourite writers for years, ever since I listened to a highly entertaining and engaging interview with her on the ABC in 2010, which I also very much recommend as well as her book of short stories.

I’m also spending some time with Annie Dillard in her restorative and elemental The Writing Life.

Listening to

The First Time: Masters Series - Christos Tsolkias. I managed Part One, which was great, and Part Two is even more insightful but I’ve still got some of that to go, so that’s first on the list for my next walk. Such a talented, humble man and so passionate. I particularly loved this bit from Part Two:

I get told that people want to write revolutionary stuff; they want to write radical stuff; they want to burn the world; [where] their writing is “talking back to the man”…and then, it’s the most timid writing. Everyone I speak to seems to be terrified of what someone’s going to say about them on Twitter so they will not risk an opinion that is challenging. And, more vilely, they won’t defend a friend who gets attacked because they’re scared of the damage that will come their way.

Christos was referring to the mindset and viewpoint of his characters Christo and Andrea in his latest novel 7 1/2 but these are thoughts he, like anyone writing a contemporary novel, has as well. I think it holds a lot of truth!

I also discovered that the Dandy Warhols released an extremely interesting album, that’s about four hours long, in 2020 called Tafelmuzik Means More When You’re Alone - I’ve not yet listened to the whole thing as it’s not quite writing music, though the first two tracks could be. It takes the concept of Tafelmuzik, which was designed to be played to accompany banquets in the 16th century, and turns it on its head a bit. It’s meditative and weird and I kind of love it.

I’ve also had Nils Frahm’s Lemon Day on repeat this week, and while writing this post!

Seriously sensational mashed potato flatbreads.

Eating

The week’s eats were:

Sunday: All-in-one sweet potato Thai curry from The Green Roasting Tin by Rukmini Iyer - this was luscious and so easy to make when we’d got in late from watching the football with the family. It was lovely and soupy, a bit like a laksa.

Monday: Jerk-spiced lentils with rice and mashed potato flatbreads. The flatbreads were seriously out of this world and totally worth having to have all the windows and doors open because of how smoky the kitchen got! Next time I’ll do them on the barbecue but WOW, they tasted like the naan from the Indian street food stall at Spitalfields Market, where I used to prowl around on a Thursday lunchtime back in the day. I can write up the recipe if you like but it was very simple - equal parts leftover mashed potato and self-raising flour, with a bit of soy milk to bind it all together. Spread each flatbread with butter or vegan equivalent while you keep them warm. We had the leftover flatbread (I’m amazed there was any left) with soup the next day for lunch.

Tuesday: It was meant to be risotto, but I ruined it by adding something that had gone off to it (why didn’t I check it first?!) so we ended up having hot chips in the air fryer and a packet of Digestive biscuits. Plus wine. That might have been why the risotto was ruined.

Wednesday: Jerk spiced lentils with pasta (as an alternative bolognese, it’s very delicious).

Thursday: Vegan curried sausages with rice and greens. Very yummy! I was trying to recreate the dish I remembered from my childhood after a chat with my new hairdresser about comfort food, but it wasn’t quite how I remembered it. I think my parents might have used a milder curry powder as well as extra turmeric and milk instead of stock to get more nutrition into their growing girls. I recall the sauce being neon yellow, and very creamy. More experiments needed.

Friday: Jerk spiced lentils with pasta again - I had no desire to repeat Tuesday’s disaster so went with something safe! After a long day, the most I could handle was boiling water and stirring a sauce through.

Saturday: Burger and chips, which we hadn’t had for quite a while. I put some aged walnut cheese on mine which felt rather decadent.

I also made another stash of Nigella’s vegan gingerbread which happily keeps for weeks, and Rachel Ama’s ginger lime cake from her brilliant One Pot book. One cannot write a book without cake. And tea. There’s been plenty of that too.

Watching

Mission Impossible: Fallout (4K Blu Ray) - a Tom choice, but I have been pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable the Mission Impossible franchise is. A bit like James Bond (up until recently that is!), I relax a lot knowing that Ethan Hunt will never be killed off and will therefore pretty much get out of every situation, however dire and un-winnable it appears. That helps me enjoy an action film a lot more. Though I was genuinely sad and shocked when Alec Baldwin’s character doesn’t make it (sorry for the spoiler!). And the sprightly presence of Simon Pegg makes any film a joy to watch.

Sisters (Blu Ray) - we watched this in 2015 and, being so new to Tina Fey’s work at that point and most of the SNL alumni (I know, what rock had I been living under?), I have to confess I didn’t enjoy it on the first watch. We gave it another try this weekend, having become great fans of Amy Poehler and Paula Pell in the intervening years as well, and on this watch I thought it was fantastic. Perhaps I just get the humour more, or recognised so many of the cast, or perhaps now I’m in my early forties, the same age as the protagonists, everything felt a tad more relatable? Either way, I’m really glad we gave it another go.

The Brittas Empire (DVD) - Tom surprised me with the boxset as an early anniversary present and we’ve been laughing non-stop. A lot of comedies from the 1990s have not aged brilliantly but this one is an exception. I was only a child when this show was originally televised and there is something about revisiting shows that you enjoyed as a kid about workplaces and obnoxious bosses as an adult that just gives it so much more meaning and that rings true so much more. I wonder if my favourite blog Ask A Manager might ever dissect Gordon Brittas’ management style for a laugh?!

Quote of the week

Spotted in London a few months ago….

“Create. Every day. And making excuses does not count.” - Wrdsmith

If you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything else, with me, please do! Let me know what you’ve been up to, and what’s been inspiring you, if you like. I love hearing from you. Stay well, until next week! xx